empty your pockets

Nope, this isn't about being robbed. Nor is it about a kid who got caught stealing candy. Nor is it about your mom telling you to make sure there aren't any tissues in your pants before she puts them in the washing machine. This is about God's desire to relieve me of and carry my burdens. This past semester I often felt burdened; most of it I knew to be a combination of the distractability of my typical human (not to mention female) mind and the spiritual battle that likes to increase intensely without warning. I had a lot to think about about this past semester with graduation and, ya know, the rest of my life around the corner. Lots of decisions had to be made, lots of tasks had to be completed, lots of planning had to be done, and I still had to be a student along with recovering from ankle surgery. That just scratches the surface. Overall, it was mentally a tougher semester. Unfortunately, one of my major pitfalls is thinking too much. I would think and think and think and think some more about what had to be done and when and how, about what's coming next, and about how to finish off my semester strong academically and spiritually. I would also think about the actual legitimate problems that had arisen during the semester and about how those could be fixed, if at all. I would think day and night. I would think as I laid down to sleep and as I woke up the following morning. I would think as I went to class and even during class. My thinking crept into my dreams and even into my quiet times with Papa in the morning. Then I began to worry and get overwhelmed by everything and even though it weighed on me, I still kept believing that I could handle it myself on my own strength. I kept putting a smile on my face to put on the front that I had everything together. I tried to carry everything myself, but Jesus didn't die so that I would carry it all. I forgot that God desires to carry my burdens:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt 

you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him, because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5:6-7

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the

righteous to be shaken." Psalm 55:22

It sounds silly, but sometimes I forget that God cares. One morning during a quiet time God reminded me of this, that He cares and that He wants me to stop carrying my burdens and let them go into His hands. To remind me of this, He gave me the image of someone emptying their pockets. The things that we carry in our front pockets that are our minds, we acknowledge that they're there and we continue to try and convince ourselves that we can carry them on our own. The things we carry in our back pockets that are our hearts, we have tried as hard as we can to just suppress them and hide them and push them deeper and deeper while thinking we can still carry them on our own. God knows that they're there and He wants all of them. As I approached God that one morning, all He quietly whispered as He held out His hand was, "Empty your pockets." So one by one I gave all my thoughts and worries and plans and anxieties over to Him. Next thing He whispered was, "I still see what's in your back pockets, empty those too." So one by one, the things I have been carrying in my heart for years I gave over to Him.

Think about how much lighter it feels when you finally take your phone, wallet, keys, chapstick, or whatever out of your pockets and dump them on the coffee table. It feels lighter doesn't it? That's exactly how my heart and mind felt. It was such a relief to be reminded again how so very much God cares and that I don't have to carry everything. Empty your pockets, friends, empty your pockets.

somewhere in between

10 days. That's all I have left of my college career at Virginia Tech. The repeating question of, "so, how ya feelin'?" has left me chuckling, shrugging my shoulders, shaking my head, and answering, "I have no idea." How I feel about graduating from college changes from day to day. Part of me doesn't realize that I'm actually graduating and the other part of me has already peaced out of college. Long story short, graduating is bittersweet. No doubt about it, my college years have been the best years of my life so far and Jesus has everything to do with it. The joy I have experienced in knowing my God is indescribable and the fellowship and community I have been a part of leaves me speechless. I'll be spending a while processing college and all that God has done. In the meantime, I'm pretty sad about it. I love VT, I love Cru, I love living with godly women, I love going on spontaneous caving trips with friends at midnight...the list goes on. I'm sad to be leaving friends and the place that I have made my home the past three and a half years. I'm sad to be leaving a place that has taught me and sharpened me so much. On the other hand...

I'M STOKED! I'm excited to have a college degree under my belt. Even more, I'm excited to walk with God out of college. I'm terrified, but excited. I was fairly comfortable in college, but now I'll be stepping out and it's truly going to be me and God from here on out. There are a lot of exciting things coming up: starting seminary classes next semester, coaching softball, and going to Rwanda for two weeks in February. This...is...exciting.

Although, this is still an odd and tough transition, one that I'm still trying to figure out how to handle. I'm also at an odd place in this odd transition. I'm somewhere in between the here and now and the later. I still have to graduate, still have to wrap up my academics and ministries well, still want to be a part of the community that I most likely won't ever have again, and still want to live it out where while I can. However, my life at the moment is also consumed with getting things ready for this upcoming spring. Most of what I'm currently doing and working on has to do with beyond graduation. It's a weird place to be.

By the way, one of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me that I'm about to enter the "real world" and that I'm about to be a "real adult." It's all real, people. What's different is the chapter of life that God has you in. I'm entering a new chapter that God has written for my life, I'm not entering some alternate world where a college degree is a prerequisite. And it's not that a college degree automatically makes me an adult either because I certainly know people who have college degrees and have the maturity of a 10-year-old. I am already an adult and we will ALL spend the rest of our lives learning what it means to be an adult. That's my little vent.

With all the craziness, I know God goes before me. I've been amazed at how He has been preparing me and how He is shaping and refining my heart. I am also amazed at who He has surrounded me with who have showed me great patience in helping me make this transition. I've been listening to the song "All The Way My Savior Leads Me" by Chris Tomlin:

Great truths. That was a little scatterbrained, but that's what finals do to you.

coach k?

Even though it's only November, the third week in February is getting closer and closer. February 20th is the first day of tryouts for Hayfield Secondary's softball team. That third week in February is always one of my favorite times of the year. It means I can get my glove back out and take the first whiff of the year of the musty smell of dirt gathered from fields across the globe (literally). It means that I can clap last year's mud off of my metal spikes to once again hear the awesome crunching sound of metal on pavement. It means that it's back to having my nights consumed by practices and games and more practices and more games. It means back to hearing and feeling the sweet spot of a bat (and the horrid vibration when you don't hit it in cold weather). Back to odd tanlines and sunflower seeds. Back to calling pitches and playing under the lights. Back to throwing batting practice (even though I've always been a catcher) and to bruises on my shins that come from unexpected ball ricochets. Can you tell that I love softball? I've spent the past 7 years invested in the softball program at Hayfield (4 years playing, 3 years as a volunteer coach whenever I'm home)...that's 1/3 of my life! This season will be different, this season I'll be a full-time staffed coach. I get to make decisions, call plays, coach a base (always harder than you think), and teach girls how to become better players. I get the chance to build the program. Even better, I get to shine the light of Christ to the same high school I came to know Him in. Being a high school girl is tough and high school can be a dark place. Many of the players need someone to care about them and acknowledge their existence. They need to know about the One who cares and loves beyond what we can imagine. Coaching is a mission field and the more I think about combining my passion for Jesus with my passion for softball the more excited I get.

In the meantime, and on a silly note, I'm trying to decide what to have the players call me. It's kinda like a giddy girl who's dating someone and one of the first things she does is try his last name with her name to see if it sounds alright. Now, that might be a tad extreme, but I'm so excited about coaching that I've been trying different coach names with my name. Coach Kelsey? Sounds like a newbie name. Coach Talbot? Makes me sound a little old. Coach T? Sounds too much like the head coach, Coach G. Coach KK (nickname that has stuck in the softball world over the years)? Too many syllables. Coach K? Heeeeyyyy :) It's short, it's simple, it doesn't make me sound old or like the other coach (who happens to also be old), and it has a lovely association with the Coach K of the Duke basketball team (who's a beast of a coach). Think I could be the new and improved Coach K?

   

I'm prettier than Coach K when I yell. And I also got really excited yesterday because my name is officially listed as a varsity assistant coach on Hayfield's athletics website. In fact, I was so excited that a squeal slipped out. Here comes my coaching debut!

He dwelled among us

This was the theme of the Urbana Missions Conference back in 2009. This is also what has been repeating over and over in my head concerning missions since then. Urbana studied how Jesus approached missions and challenged us to imitate Him.

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us..."

John 1:14

The Holman Christian Standard translation replaces "dwelt" with "took up residence." Jesus came down from Heaven to live among the people of the earth; He met them where they were. Jesus went into homes and neighborhoods. He went into cities and towns. From place to place, He lived among and with the people and endured life with them. And He brought the Kingdom of God into those neighborhoods, cities, and towns when He lived among them. This is how Jesus did missions. He didn't make the people come to Him (although many did follow Him), He went to the people and loved them so much as to live with and dwell among them in their daily lives.

And this is what I can't help but think about whenever I think about the Kageyo Refugee Camp in Rwanda. 

Plans have been coming together for me to spend a year in Rwanda with Africa New Life Ministries starting January 2013. This is obviously still being prayed over and planned, but in the meantime I'll visit Rwanda for two weeks this coming February in order to solidify some of those details. How did this come into the picture you ask? Long story short, I've wanted to go to Rwanda ever since I became a believer and I know people who know important people. Currently, the president of Africa New Life is desiring for native English speakers to help teach English in the schools. Teaching English as a native speaker is invaluable in Africa. English is the official language in the education system and essentially, if you don't know English as a child in Africa, then there's no hope for you. Teaching them English helps them help themselves. Anywho, as you saw from the video, Kageyo is way out in the boonies in eastern Rwanda, so out in the boonies that there isn't any running water or electricity. It's also common for water buffalo to be roaming around. It's also not uncommon for villagers to have to shoot a hippo every so often because of the danger hippos are to the villagers. And as you also saw, Kageyo is the home to hundreds of refugees that had once fled Rwanda due to the 1994 genocide. The kids out there need to learn English and, of course, everybody needs Jesus. A church has been up and going for a year or so, but there's more need for discipleship in addition to continue reaching that village with the Gospel.

There's a couple options when it comes to the possibility of me working with Africa New Life. There's the option of working in the schools in Kigali, Rwanda's capital and in the middle of the hustle and bustle. Then there's Kageyo. There's no one out there in the village teaching English. The conversation with a friend went something like this: "So Kageyo, no running water, no electricity, cook all your food over a fire, pee in a hole, 3 hours away from the city...sound appealing?" "Sure does!" "Wait...really?" "Uhhhh yeah, someone needs to go out there. I want to." I want to be the one to go where no one else wants to go. Why? Because Jesus did. He talked to people no one wanted to talk to. He touched people no one wanted to touch. He lived in the places that were counted as measly, nothing towns. I've been told that I could be placed in the city, where I could have the comforts of indoor plumbing, a place to plug in a laptop, and actual floors and walls without the worry of a water buffalo or a hippo running rampant. That's not the point. I could care less about water buffalo or where I pee as long as people are being reached. Jesus never said to go and make disciples and be comfortable, He just said go. Jesus Himself didn't have a place to lay His head; clearly it was not on His priority list. Nor will it be on mine. I will endure whatever it takes to teach those kids English and to share my Jesus with that village in the middle of nowhere Rwanda, the village that has hundreds of people that no one wants. I want to dwell among the people, just as Jesus did. Send me to Kageyo, Papa.

who woulda thunk it?

That's all I've been saying since May. It was then that God started making it obvious that He had been repeating something all last semester: going to seminary. I used to never see myself as a seminary student, thinking that it was for those super duper smart biblical scholars and those who wanted to be a pastor. I was also assumed that seminary would kill my love for God's Word (you would be surprised how many people assume this). Over and over again God brought up the idea of going to seminary through a friend, through a pastor from Rwanda, and through my pastor back home. When my friend and the pastor from Rwanda encouraged me to think about seminary, I just nodded my head and smiled, but in my head I was thinking, "ha, ooooookay." Then I met with my pastor last May to talk about missions and what the path towards the mission field will look like. Even before we met I somehow knew he was going to bring up me going to seminary, there wasn't any other indication, I just knew. So we talked for a couple hours about missions and then at the end of the conversation he said he wanted to bring up one more thing. Indeed it was me going to seminary. He and his daughter had put together a list of seminaries, degrees that would be ideal, specific classes that would be ideal, location of each seminary, how long the program would take, and how much it costs. Then I really started listening. He explained it's not just for pastors, but it's to gain a deeper understanding and application of God's Word and it's to gain a more formal biblical education that would greatly contribute to my work overseas. I looked at the list and the first seminary that I saw was the same seminary that the pastor from Rwanda had attended and recommended (when I wasn't listening), Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in Charlotte. I was all ears then. Then it clicked that I had been ignoring God's attempts at getting my attention. I really need to learn to listen to Him the first time rather than make Him repeat Himself three times. I realized that seminary might legitimately be where God is calling me to (in addition to missions). I went home and researched Gordon-Conwell. Then I started praying...


And praying...

And praying...

And praying...

I've been praying about it for the past six months and I decided to take a step out and go visit Gordon-Conwell. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt God's confirmation. Even before the visit, I was fairly certain that I was going to apply. If God didn't want me going, He was going to have to do some serious heart change. 

So, my visit to Gordon-Conwell was last week and I am SOLD. Every single doubt and fear I had about going to seminary was completely eliminated, including financial and housing worries. I had the chance to speak with faculty, sit in on a theology class, and get more information about the degree I'm hoping to pursue, a MA in Christian Thought (a combination of biblical studies, missions, apologetics, and church reformation). I LOVED sitting in on the class and realized exactly how valuable a seminary education is. And even better, the majority of the faculty have long-term missions experience. God's provision and confirmation makes me hit my face. Not only did I receive confirmation about seminary through the visit, but also the utmost confirmation to be a missionary through a conversation with a professor. Not that I ever doubted, but I sometimes was left seeking that absolute Holy Spirit light bulb moment. Now I have it. 

I'm now almost done with my Gordon-Conwell application and intend to send it in next week. If I'm accepted, I'll start with an online class next semester while I'm coaching softball up in NoVa. And just think, four years ago if you had told me that I would place my faith in Jesus, love Him with all my heart, be called to the mission field in Africa, and go to seminary, I would have laughed in your face and cussed you out. Not even an exaggeration. Now look what God has done with the past four years. Who woulda thunk it? Only my Papa can do stuff like this.

CAST all your cares on Him

Yup, I'm in a cast right now. It was three weeks ago today that I had ankle surgery. I'm 21 and have already had reconstruction surgeries on two major joints (shoulder and ankle) and I also wouldn't be surprised if my other ankle has to be operated on in the next couple years. Oh the price I pay for getting up off the couch and being an athlete my whole life...I don't regret it one bit.

The procedure I had done was an Ankle Reconstruction. As the video states, my surgeon cut all my ligaments in half, shortened them, sutured them together, and anchored the ends of my ligaments into my bone. He also stretched out, tightened, and anchored a tendon over the top of my ankle where the leg meets the foot. He also cleaned out the mess that was in my ankle. For years I've had bone fragments and scar tissue floating around in my ankle that have occurred from me breaking my ankle a couple times. The biggest bone fragment I had was about the size of a pea. Anywho, so during the surgery my surgeon cleaned out the scar tissue and removed the bone fragments. He told me afterwards that he thought about letting me keep that big bone fragment, but then assumed I wouldn't want it, so he threw it away. Crazy man. OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED IT! It would have been so cool to have a piece of my ankle sitting on my shelf. Oh well. I promise I'm not bitter. I was the first surgery of the day and the whole procedure took about one hour. Two of my roommates, one of whom just so happens to be a nurse, took me to the hospital and made sure to get me on video after my surgery while anesthesia was wearing off (go to my facebook to see it, it's well worth your time). They put me on crutches and in a mixture of a hard and soft cast, christened "Oscar" by post-op nurse:

The thing literally weighed 10 pounds. I never left the couch for a week (except to pee and that was quite an adventure in itself) and my leg was propped up 24/7. I had to take a Vicodin every 5 hours and I soon learned why God made painkillers. Classes? Yeah right. I did venture out once for 20 minutes to go to the store with my roommate, just to see if I could:

Guess not. My five roommates took turns sleeping downstairs with me in the living room and bringing me food (a requirement in order to avoid nausea from the Vicodin). It was a painful and interesting week, however, I was probably the most content and peaceful that I've been for a while. It was obvious that God never left my side and I could see His love being completely poured out through my roommates and their selflessness. God truly blessed me with a spirit and heart of worship and thankfulness during a time when most would be going nuts about having to depend on others and not being able to do anything. I was like that once when I had shoulder surgery three years ago, but I remembered the lessons God taught me. It's hard to accept help, but by being stubborn I rob people of the chance to be a servant that bears the image of God.

A week after surgery I had Oscar removed:


There was literally enough stuffing and Ace bandages to make a Build-A-Bear. This was also my first time seeing my incision (DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'RE SQUEAMISH DON'T LOOK):

Yup the scar is HUGE. Score. I was then given a hardcast:

It was later christened "Peter" one, because one of my roommates signed it first and wrote "CAST all your cares on Him" (referencing 1 Peter 5:7) and thus started a trend, and two, because every time I talk about my cast I can talk like Glozell.

So now, I have been on crutches for the past three weeks (all non-weightbearing) and next week I get my cast taken off! I will move into a walking boot (the ones that make you walk funny and that eventually start to smell pretty bad), will spend a few weeks in that, and then will eventually move on to walking on my own. Physical therapy is thrown in there somewhere. I still have about three months to go for full recovery, but it's heading in the right direction and I know it will all be worth it. Oh, and a couple random fun facts: it IS possible to play nine holes of golf on one leg, casts make great flower vases, and the best cast scratcher is a wire clothes hanger.

Long story short, God is more than, and will always be, amazing. My surgery and disability is not an annoyance, but it's a gift and blessing. Just need that eternal perspective :)

waiting game

Since coming back to school life has been a waiting game; waiting on God and waiting for His plan to fall into place in His timing. I am waiting on literally EVERYTHING right now.While I've always known that nothing is in my control, it's become so much more evident. Here is my "waiting list":

Seminary visit at Gordon-Conwell

Ankle surgery recovery

Coaching softball in the spring

Looking for a job in the spring

Graduation in December

Missions agencies applications

Two-week trip to Rwanda in February

More information about possibly spending a year in Rwanda

Figuring out living/financial situations for next year

That's just off the top of my head. I am such a detail-oriented person, but details are hidden from me as well, so God is also refining my patience. Simply put, I am waiting. I have a lot to be seeking His face about, so I will seek His face while I wait. I will be faithful while I wait, I will serve while I wait, I will worship while I wait. I see that the road ahead of me is exciting and the next chapter that God has for me is quickly approaching, but it's not here yet and I still have things to do in this present moment. God's timing is perfect and details will come when He wants me to know them. I pray I will not lose heart (nor patience!) in this season of waiting that God has called me to. 

"Wait for the LORD; be courageous and let your heart be strong. Wait for the LORD."

Psalm  27:14