growing pains

I knew months before going to Rwanda that the trip was going to be a process of growth and learning. Well that was an understatement. It was a process of growth and learning through which I was launched out of my comfort zone and put into situations that forced me to rely on God for my every word and action. I went into the Rwanda trip almost blind. I knew I needed to spend significant time with the current intern/missionary, Marie, and I generally knew that this trip was to determine if I would go back in August. Besides that I didn't know at all who to talk to or where or when or what about. I didn't know what my schedule was going to be like. I didn't know what specific questions to ask. I didn't know what details needed to be figured out before I left Rwanda. I didn't even know what I would do if I were to return in August; I knew of the tutoring program that Marie started and runs, but I didn't know entirely about it. I basically knew NOTHING. What made the situation more fun was that the Rwanda trip was my first time where I had to take care of everything myself (as a real live grown-up) without the help, guidance, and connections from other adults in my life. In fact, a friend/mentor knew most (if not all) of the details I needed to know, but chose not to tell me in order to encourage this process of growth and learning (which, I'll admit, was quite frustrating). Did I also mention that I'm an introvert who likes to lay low and shudders at the idea of introducing myself to someone I don't know? While I can handle social situations, not only would I prefer not to, but I'm also still growing in this area.

So, as you can imagine, I was absolutely terrified and in a tad state of frenzy. I knew that unless I stepped waaaaaaay out of my introverted social comfort zone and introduced myself to people I didn't know, asked the questions I didn't know to ask, and settled the decisions that I didn't know had to be made, NOTHING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. I knew God had to help in ALL OF IT and SHOW UP BIG TIME. A constant prayer leading up to and during the trip was for courage and for elimination of fear. And constant Scriptures that God led me to was:

"Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or

discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

"But I protested, 'Oh no, Lord, God! Look, I don't know how to speak since

I am only a youth.'

Then the Lord said to me: 

Do not say, 'I am only a youth,' for you will go to everyone I send you, and

speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you

to deliver you. This is the Lord's declaration."

Jeremiah 1:6-7

"Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be afraid, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, I will help you;

I will hold onto you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

"Do not be afraid, Abram.

I am your shield; your reward will be very great."

Genesis 15:1

In addition to the Scriptures, I received MULTIPLE emails from friends while in Rwanda that not only had the same exact Scripture, but also Scriptures about growth and maturity. Every day I earnestly prayed for God's words and for His courage. We all know how He loves to answer prayer :) Starting on day one, God showed up big time. Over and over again I found myself walking up to staff I didn't know with words just flowing out introducing myself. Over and over again I found myself sitting in meetings where, by God's hand, I answered questions smoothly and had an abundance of questions flowing out of my mouth without any kind of preparation. Over and over again I found myself talking to the right people, in the right places, at the right times. And over and over again God helped me to settle details and ultimately make the decision to go back to Rwanda. At the end of every day I would lie in bed shaking my head with my jaw dropped in absolute awe of what God did that day and how He filled me with words and courage. 

Needless to say, I came back changed because of all that God helped me with. You might not see it directly, but indeed God has eliminated my social fear. This whole experience was a HUGE kick-start for further growth and maturity. I have zero doubt that God will continue to help and that "He who started a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6).

Oh, and thank you, friend (you know who you are), for not telling me anything. I'm grateful for the growing pains.