homesick

I've never known what homesickness was because I grew up always wanting to stay away from and leave home. I was never one to cry when I left home, more like, I was the one sprinting to the car wanting to leave asap. Home wasn't really a home, so what was there to cry about or be homesick about?

That is, I didn't know what homesickness was until about 3 years ago. It was then that God blessed me with a home away from home, an adoptive home if you will, that showed me what home was supposed to truly be like. I learned how home was the place to run to and not the place to run from. I learned what family looked like. I learned what function and love looked like. I learned how home is a place of rest and not a place of stress. I learned that home is safe. And ALL of this was foreign to me. I remember sitting out on the back patio about to leave and I had tears streaming down my face because I didn't want to leave and I was going to every extreme to stall so I wouldn't have to. I felt stupid about crying and felt stupid that I was being so sentimental. That's when I was assured, "It's okay to be sad about leaving home, that's how it's supposed to be. This is what homesickness is." Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Since then, every time I leave that adopted home it's like God is making up for the 18 years of long lost homesickness. Not only do I cry but I'm terribly homesick for at least a week.

So over the past 3 years as I've continued to learn about homesickness, I've also learned more and more about Heaven as my home. It was this past January when God connected homesickness and my home in Heaven and the result was overwhelming and absolutely heart-wrenching. I remember driving back to Blacksburg after a weekend in SC and all of a sudden I started to absolutely bawl my eyes out. It started to hit me more and more how homesick for Heaven I was and how I long to see my Papa's face. I long to wrap my arms around His neck and bury my face in His chest. I long to sit in His lap and listen to His heart beat for me and to know that I never have to leave that for all of eternity. I long to hold His hand and walk with Him and talk with Him and listen to His voice forever. That is what I was made for and that is where I belong, at the feet of my Papa. I was created for a place that I have never been to or seen, yet, that is where my heart and soul ache to be. I've realized that my ache to be Home is beyond just wanting to escape the brokenness and pain of this world. My ache to be Home is even beyond the desire to be free from sin, to be in a place of rest and peace, to be in a place where there are no more tears and no more fears. I ache to be Home because I WANT TO SEE MY GOD! As long as I am here on this earth, my heart will always have a hole and ache that won't be satisfied until I am in the presence of my greatest Love. And boy, does it hurt.

There have been many days where I have longed for God to take me Home, for Him to take me from right where I am and bring me into His marvelous embrace. There have been many days where I would be perfectly content with dying in order to instantly appear at His feet and see all of His glory. Quite honestly, death sounds pretty darn good right now. While such a homesickness is a good thing, I'm reminded of God's purpose for me here on earth. As long as I am breathing on this earth, I still have work to do. I am here to shine His light, to reflect His image, to make His name known, to glorify all that He is, and to lead others to do the same. I am here to be His hands and feet and an instrument of His great and merciful love. I am here for those that do not yet know of His grace and mercy. As Paul says in Philippians 1:21-24-

"For me, living is Christ and dying is gain. Now if I live on in the flesh, this means

fruitful work for me; and I don't know which one I should choose. I am pressured

by both. I have the desire to depart and be with Christ---which is far better---

but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for you."

I have to be careful of being selfish in my desire of leaving this earth. I am here because of Jesus. I am here because there are people who will die tomorrow and suffer eternal separation from my God and spend it in agony. There are people who have never heard of the hope that I live for. There are people, broken people, who are in darkness, have no light, have no life, have no peace, have no rest, and have no joy. My heart breaks for the brokenness of this world. I am here to bring Christ to the broken. 

In the meantime, it stinks to be homesick. But I praise God that I have a Home to be homesick about. My time will come when I will see Him face-to-face, He will wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes, and say: "Well done, little one, and welcome home."