now what?

This has been my biggest and most haunting question since coming back. What do I do now? How do I apply everything that I have seen in Uganda? I know my heart and life are changed, but how will that be seen in my daily life? My thought process is different, my perspective is different...many many things are different. I won't lie to you, coming back to the US and adjusting after Africa has been an absolute struggle. It has been more difficult to adjust to my own culture than it was to adjust to a completely new culture. It was such a rude awakening to come back to the US and be honked at on the car ride home while driving past building after building and million dollar homes; it had only been a day since driving on unpaved streets past countless tin-roofed shacks. Judgment and comparison have been a daily struggle. While I know it's not fair to judge and compare people who have never had the experiences I've now had, it doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to see the way some people live while I know that in Uganda my boys are wondering when and where they're going to get their next meal. It's hard to see materialism now that I have seen poverty. It's also been difficult to find the balance between being materialistic and accepting the blessings that God has given me here in the US.

Many people would describe this as a "mountain top experience" and a period where I am on a spiritual high, but honestly, I've never reached a high. I was never floating around on cloud nine and skipping through daisies. I never reached a high that I could crash down from. It's just been low and lower and lowest. Whether it be struggling with judgment, adjustment, application, or even questioning why I'm here in the US and not in Africa, it has been difficult. Not to say there has never been periods of joy, not at all. Some of my greatest joys have come as a result of having gone to Africa and remembering what I saw and experienced there. All I know is that Africa did something funny to my heart. I miss Africa. I miss my boys. I can't wait to go back. Multiple times the apostle Paul writes in his letters about "longing to return" to see a specific people, but it wasn't until now that I understood what he was writing about. He writes in 1 Thessalonians 2:17, 19, 20: "But as for us, brothers, after we were forced to leave you for a short time (in person, not in heart), we greatly desired and made every effort to return and see you face to face...For who is our hope, or joy, or crown of boasting in the presence of our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you? For you are our glory and joy!"

In the meantime, I know God wants me here. I need to remember that God isn't only in Africa, but He's here in the US too, and I need to serve Him and live for Him here as well. Everywhere I go is a mission field. It's not just Africa. As the missionary Jim Elliot said," Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."