now what?

This has been my biggest and most haunting question since coming back. What do I do now? How do I apply everything that I have seen in Uganda? I know my heart and life are changed, but how will that be seen in my daily life? My thought process is different, my perspective is different...many many things are different. I won't lie to you, coming back to the US and adjusting after Africa has been an absolute struggle. It has been more difficult to adjust to my own culture than it was to adjust to a completely new culture. It was such a rude awakening to come back to the US and be honked at on the car ride home while driving past building after building and million dollar homes; it had only been a day since driving on unpaved streets past countless tin-roofed shacks. Judgment and comparison have been a daily struggle. While I know it's not fair to judge and compare people who have never had the experiences I've now had, it doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to see the way some people live while I know that in Uganda my boys are wondering when and where they're going to get their next meal. It's hard to see materialism now that I have seen poverty. It's also been difficult to find the balance between being materialistic and accepting the blessings that God has given me here in the US.

Many people would describe this as a "mountain top experience" and a period where I am on a spiritual high, but honestly, I've never reached a high. I was never floating around on cloud nine and skipping through daisies. I never reached a high that I could crash down from. It's just been low and lower and lowest. Whether it be struggling with judgment, adjustment, application, or even questioning why I'm here in the US and not in Africa, it has been difficult. Not to say there has never been periods of joy, not at all. Some of my greatest joys have come as a result of having gone to Africa and remembering what I saw and experienced there. All I know is that Africa did something funny to my heart. I miss Africa. I miss my boys. I can't wait to go back. Multiple times the apostle Paul writes in his letters about "longing to return" to see a specific people, but it wasn't until now that I understood what he was writing about. He writes in 1 Thessalonians 2:17, 19, 20: "But as for us, brothers, after we were forced to leave you for a short time (in person, not in heart), we greatly desired and made every effort to return and see you face to face...For who is our hope, or joy, or crown of boasting in the presence of our Lord Jesus at His coming? Is it not you? For you are our glory and joy!"

In the meantime, I know God wants me here. I need to remember that God isn't only in Africa, but He's here in the US too, and I need to serve Him and live for Him here as well. Everywhere I go is a mission field. It's not just Africa. As the missionary Jim Elliot said," Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

adembe, sing it louder

It was the Sunday before we left, our last Sunday at Watoto Church, when the aha moment hit. That Sunday, Watoto was hosting a performance of the Restore Tour: Child Soldier No More event. Click here to see the trailer of what we were able to see live. The Restore Tour, associated with Watoto Church, travels around the world and is a combination of skits, dances, testimonies, and songs performed by approximately 25 men, women, and children who had once been child soldiers or sex slaves (child mothers) in the war in northern Uganda against the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army). This performance vividly described the peace before the war, conflict, capture, escape, and forgiveness and healing after the war.

Let me first briefly explain the war in northern Uganda if you have never read about it or heard of it. Starting in 1987, the LRA rebel group led by Joseph Kony, who claimed himself to be a "spokesperson" of God, launched their campaign in northern Uganda to overthrow the government and turn it into a theocratic state. The LRA and the government each tried to get the community to join with them, thus creating an internal conflict. In 1994, the LRA introduced a terrible war tactic that had never been used in the history of warfare: child soldiers. The LRA began to abduct boys to turn them into killers and girls to turn them into sex slaves. This warfare continued on until 2008 when peace talks began to be initiated. Although peace was never technically agreed on, violence has decreased with the occasional outburst in the north or in southern Sudan.

Never before had I seen anything like it. I had read up on the LRA and heard about the war, but never had my eyes been opened to what it truly was. Mass killings, children abducted and turned into killers, girls turned into child mothers, children orphaned after watching their parents and relatives get shot, raped, and/or mutilated, going for days without food and water and then being told by their captors that their food was dead corpses, not being allowed to cry for fear of being killed, endure severe beatings, and escaping their captors but being shunned by their villages for what they had been forced to do. They had to bear physical and emotional pain and the struggle to forgive themselves and their captors. Here is a link to a testimony of one of the men, David.

A bit of background on our preparations for Uganda: we had spent the entire year meditating on the lyrics "And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?" from Chris Tomlin's song "Our God," which is also found in Romans 8. We spent the entire year praying and meditating over this truth and even put those lyrics on the tshirts that we sold for the trip. Well, during the Restore Tour performance while they were transitioning from captivity to escape and freedom, one of the songs that they sang was "Our God!" This song and biblical truth that we had been meditating on all year is the central message to the healing and restoration of Uganda. Now when someone wears one of our Uganda shirts, they are wearing the words of healing and restoration of Uganda! To hear 25 previous child soldiers and child mothers sing "our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other" and to hear them proclaim freedom with joy on their faces...it does something strange to the heart. To hear them proclaim freedom (adembe in Lugandan) and to hear their testimonies about what they've been through and how they have forgiven not only themselves but their captors and Joseph Kony completely changed my perspective on many things. We were all in utter shock about it all. If they can sing and proclaim freedom and forgiveness and sing it louder and louder, then why can't I?

letters from home

As I mentioned in the previous post, the boys in the home wrote all of us handwritten letters. The last two days we were there they kept handing us letters left and right, whether it be while we were playing futbol or even through the van window as we were driving away. These 20 letters I received are my most treasured reminders of Africa, even more than my journal entries, more than pictures, and more than the drum that I brought home. And these letters are NOT like what your mother forces you to write to your grandmother thanking her for the sweater she knit you for your birthday. No. These letters are personal and these are the letters that I have looked at on the days I feel discouraged or need a reminder to keep my eyes on God and maintain my eternal perspective. These letters allow me to hear their voices and hearts again. These letters are my reminder that my heart is indeed in Africa, even when it seems like I'm being consumed on every side by everything that's going on here in the US. They are a reminder of my boys and a reminder of how my heart and life were changed.

I have chosen a few to type out here and I hope they move you as much as they have torn my heart apart. I have edited the grammar slightly so you can understand them better but have left all the content in so you might be able to hear the voices and hearts of these sweet Ugandan boys. There was one letter that one of the boys, John Paul, wrote to my mom. It was indeed a beautiful letter that laid out the Gospel of Jesus and it made me realize that God can use anyone to witness to my mom, even orphaned boys across the world she has never met before. I have cried over every single one of these letters, and you're about to see why.

"Dear Kelsey, 

How has been your time with me? Me, I have enjoyed my time with you and you have made my holiday. I have learned a lot from you and it's my hope you have learned from me. You are one of my first friends from USA hahaha...I love that. Before I met you I didn't know that there are people like you in USA who are lovely and awesome. Keep the spirit of loving burning and God will bless you for that. He needs people like you who love others. I will miss you when you go home but you will always be on my mind and will never forget you. Good friends always come and go but it is God's plan. But me I believe that one day we shall meet again in Jesus' name. I wish you well in all that you are doing. Thank you for being good to me and kind. I love you so much and am gonna miss you so much. God bless you for what you have done and to spend your time with us and me. 'Nkwagala nyo nyo nyo...Mukwano gwange.' I wish you a safe journey as you fly back home. Say hi to everyone at home, your step-dad, sisters, mom, step-sister, and dad. A lot to say but I'm gonna miss you 'nyo nyo.' God bless you. I love you.

Peace be with you

Fahad

I love you so much"

"Hullo Talbot,

It's an awesome time to talk to you. Thank you for the teachings you taught to us daily, you're really wonderful. I don't know what to give you for your teaching of the slangs. It sounds awful that you're going back to your country. I am going to miss your love to me. I am studying but I will need your help in some time to come. I really need to visit your country. Thanks for everything and have a safe journey.

Lots of Love

Micheal"

"Dear Kelsey,

How are you dear? Let me hope that you are all fine and good. Thank you for loving me and caring for me---and to all the boys in the home. You are extremely a good girl with love. I care and I love you for that. I love you for your good heart. Thank you for your support in my music and I have loved it so much. I am so happy for it dear. I don't know how I will show my appreciation but I pray to God that He may bless you and provide you with everything you need. May God's love, care, and peace be with you. May His blessings be on you.

Lots of love

Julius"

 

"Dear Kelsey, How are you these days? I hope you are fine, back to me, I am not fine because you're going back to USA. I have written this letter to thank you for everything that you have done to us. Really may God reward you for that. I have enjoyed your team and everything you have done, like discussing about Jesus in the Bible. I have learned more about Jesus, thank you for working hard and for being wonderful and thoughtful and kind to us. I will be praying for you until you come back and I am waiting for you and your friends. Thank you for your care to us. I am glad nobody or anything will separate us. I love you so much because you loved us. Read this: John 3:16.

May God richly bless you so much.

Goodbye

From Mutesa"

 

"Dear Kelsey, Thank you very much for making each of us feel happy at New Life Homes, God bless you so much. I will never forget you because of your love and I will keep praying for you so that you can come back to Uganda because I love you so much. I see the time has come for you to go head home but my heart is breaking. Thank you for teaching us good stories from the Bible, songs, games, and taking us to the beach. God bless you too. Say hello to all your friends and parents. Tell them that we love them so much and we have a dream to come and visit them.
Goodbye
From Vincent"

Vincent is on the far right

"Hi Kelsey, How are you today? Hope you are okay. For me, I some okay. I thank you so much for your love you have been showing to me. I love you very much because you are very beautiful to me. I will never forget you if you return back to the USA. I will be at the home and I will wait for you this year if you will be back in Uganda. For me I have to go back for hand operation on 1/31/11, you are praying for me!!! Pray to do well in operation because I have to join school next year. Thank you so much. My greeting to all your family and to all you work with.
From your friend
Emmanuel
of New Life Home
Kampala Uganda
Goodbye"

"Dear Stessi (he wanted to call me Stessi because he didn't feel like trying to pronounce the "l" in my name haha), It has been so great to meet each other and also to know you. You have really changed my life since you came to me and I will always remember you in my heart. The love you have been showing me is more than my parents did. You are more than my family and I assure you that you are now my family in bloodhood. One wise man told me that friends are more than the family you have, but I did not believe it, but now I believe it and it is fact. I really wish you good luck and safe way back home. I do not have anything to give you but what I have is me and my heart, also just my words. I am really going to miss you so much but may the Lord's blessing go with you. May you have peace in life and in all ways you do. The day I saw you is the day I keep in my mind. The things you did for me make me so happy. I will think about you and I will be with you even if you are not around for your love will be around with me. As the leaf leave the tree, but the stem always stay on the tree is the way I am to you. Tears in my eyes but joy in my heart because you have been my friend and now you are leaving me. I do really love you and am going to miss you a lot. Soon we shall meet again.
May peace be with you always. Amen.
Yours Faithful
Crazy Moses
Some verses for you: Jer 29:11, Pro 29:25, Ecc 3:11, Daniel 3:17-18"

it's not goodbye, it's just see you later

I'm almost done with Uganda posts, promise. Then I can go back to real time ha.

Some of the neighborhood girls and boys

The boys in New Life Home used to be on the streets like Marvin, Vienay, and Dennis, but they were taken into the home and given a chance at a new life and at an education. in the home they look out for each other, do chores, go to school, and learn how to take care of themselves. The first day we met them they came running over to the van to help us out and to greet us, similar to the way the street boys greeted us. They also loved to hold our hands and walk with us with their arms around our shoulders. Relationships started being built immediately. In a previous post I talked about stories about four of the boys, although honestly there are so many stories that I can't cover here. Stories about boys like Michael, my translator for small group and a sweet sweet friend. Like Crazy Moses who is, well, crazy, but has one of the most beautiful hearts I know. Like all the boys in my small group, Mutesah, Umar, John, Rogres, Meddie, and Sulah. Like Mustafa who said one day on the topic of goodbyes: "It's not goodbye, it's just a see you later. We don't do goodbyes around here." Like John Paul who wrote a letter to my mom. Like Abraham and Bekah, who Melanie and I had a rap contest with. And the list goes on and on and on. 41 boys in all, although they are better defined as men of God. The neighborhood boys and girls would also come to spend time with us mzungus and by the end of the week we had about 15 to 20 of them showing up.

Meddie, Rogres, Sula, John, Umar, Michael, and Mutesa

We would talk with the boys, break off into small groups, do a Bible lesson, and then go play futbol or capture the flag until we had to leave. Small groups were an encouragement and challenge; the boys are wise and their application of even the most basics of the Gospel is awe-inspiring. Many times I felt as though they weren't entirely interested in what I was saying, only to come to find later that they were processing. They wrote in their letters (which will be a separate post) that they were so thankful to learn more about Jesus. My prayer life was challenged and changed listening to them pray. Not only is it cool to hear them sometimes pray in Lugandan, but to hear how they pray. All they do is thank and praise God. Here I am at school praying to do well on a test, and they are thanking God and praising Jesus for what He did, yet they don't have very much and could be asking God for a whole lot. It challenged me to implement more thankfulness and praise into my prayer life. A really cool prayer experience: I was praying for Emmanuel (with the burns) and Fahad was there with us as well. As I prayed for Emmanuel, Fahad was simultaneously translating it into Lugandan for Emmanuel to understand better. Not only is it cool to hear what I'm praying in Lugandan, but also to realize that this is what God hears. He hears every language and every tongue. This is but a mere glimpse of Heaven.

I was challenged and encouraged by the boys. Their generosity, joy and desire to serve made me think of two specific pieces of Scripture:

"For I want very much to see you,that I may impart to you some spiritual 

gift to strengthen you, that is, to be mutually encouraged by each others' 

faith, both yours and mine." Romans 1:11-12

"During a severe testing by affliction, their abundance of joy and their 

deep poverty overflowed into the wealth of their generosity." 

2 Corinthians 8:2

I was reminded again how I had intentions to go and serve, but instead I was somehow being served. While I might be teaching them about Jesus and encouraging them, they were encouraging me in my walk. And, like the street boys, they have very little in the eyes of the world, but they were joyful and generous because they know Jesus.

Jarard buried in the sand at the beach

On our day off we took the boys to the beach at Lake Victoria (that's right, I got to swim in the source of the Nile River!) and we spent the whole day there. It was a great day being to spend time with them without a structured plan. One of the most touching moments of that day was teaching Fahad and Mustafa how to swim. I realized that these boys had missed out on so much of childhood, they never had the chance to learn many of the things we learned growing up. 

We saw the boys the day we left to fly back to the US, and that was just as heartbreaking, if not more, than leaving the street boys. Everyone was crying and hugging multiple times, just not wanting to let go. They were also handing me letter after letter after letter that they had each written. It surprised me when the boys were a bigger source of comfort as we were leaving than we were. I was saying goodbye to Ronald and as tears were streaming down my face he said, "It's not goodbye, it's just see you later. We WILL meet again one day. We WILL see each other again soon." I was comforted by the fact that even if I don't get to see them again on this side of Heaven, I get to spend all of eternity praising God with my brothers from Uganda. 

I miss them. I miss their laid-back nature and their simple way of life. I miss seeing their joy. I miss sitting with them and teaching them English slang. I miss hearing them try to pronounce my name (they could never get the "L" part of my name). I miss singing with them and playing with them and smack-talking in Lugandan. I miss my brothers.