a season of stillness

As I said in my previous post, I am back at VT for my last semester. I can't believe three years has come and gone already and I am absolutely astounded at what God has done. This semester, however, feels very different than other semesters because I'm about half as busy. I've been so used to go go go with leading two discipleships, in my own discipleship, leading a Bible study, in my own Bible study, leading the Bridges team for Cru, and oh right, classes too. This semester? I'm not leading a Bible study, only leading one discipleship, my discipleship meets only every other week, and my classes aren't nearly as difficult...what happened to the busyness and why does my schedule have to be so open all of a sudden? I've been trying to find a routine, which I typically can only find through a busy schedule, but to no avail. I let it go and trusted that God had a reason for all the lack of busyness.

Well, last week I found out I need ankle reconstruction surgery. That explains why I need all the spare time. Long story short, I have chronic ankle instability and so basically my ligaments and cartilage are so overstretched/torn that they have lost their function. My ankle can bend in ways it shouldn't be able to. My orthopedic sent me to physical therapy all last summer, but it didn't work and the pain has gotten worse and worse throughout the year. So, if I want to be walking and without arthritis in two years, then the surgery needs to be done. I'm seeing an orthopedic surgeon here in Blacksburg on Sept 12th to find out more details about when surgery is going to be and what exactly it will entail. From what I've been told so far, I'll be in a non-weightbearing cast (aka crutches) for 6 weeks and then start physical therapy; 6 months is expected for full recovery. I'm hoping to get it done within the month so that recovery won't spill over into the softball season.

With surgery, as I learned from shoulder surgery freshman year, comes a season of stillness. I won't be able to do too much except listen to what God is telling me. In fact, it was during my shoulder surgery recovery that I began hearing God's calling to the mission field. God does crazy things when you're still enough to listen. So while I strongly dislike recovering from surgeries, I know that God has His purposes for making me still. I had a season of pruning and busyness during the summer, now it's time for the season of stillness. Now I just have to wait...

summer's best eight weeks

I really need to make updating my blog in a timely matter a habit. As you can see it's been 2 months since my last post at camp. Camp is over, fall semester (my last semester) has started...it's time for an update.

I don't really know where to start when it comes to camp and all that God did and taught me, a lot happened in those 2 months! I've processed it slightly and I'll put them as bullet points so you won't have to read a novel.

• First and foremost I am COMPLETELY INADEQUATE on my own- as you saw from my last post, it became even more apparent to me how I can do nothing on my own. I can't love, I can't teach, I can't coach, I can't do anything. There were many days I woke up and told Papa: "Alright Papa, it's You and me today, but more so You because I can't really do a thing." In God and in God alone I am able. "I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me" (John 15:5). 
• I'm free to be me- yes yes yes, I think of Francesca Battistelli's song Free To Be Me. It wasn't until camp that I realized how much I compared myself to others, especially to other women. It's not that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, I just wasn't entirely comfortable. At camp I was surrounded 24/7 by awesome, solid, godly women who love Jesus with all their hearts, who love kids, and who love sports...just like me! I was around women who also didn't mind sleeping outside, peeing in the woods (or lake!), getting dirty, picking up daddy-long-legs, carrying two knives, starting fires, and doing crazy full-body work-outs during down-time. This is who God has made me to be and there is so much freedom in being the woman who really does have a couple dents in her fender and a couple rips in her jeans :)
• To have joy in all circumstances- this is the simple phrase that God whispered to me when I was sick Third Term. I had already gotten sick First Term and had gotten sick again, but worse. Having enthusiasm at a sports camp when you're sick is next to impossible. I remember laying in my bunk and asking God why I had to get sick again; it was hard enough as it was leading the cabin I had, why add illness? He simply answered, "Joy in all circumstance." Regardless if I'm sick, regardless if the girls are misbehaving, regardless if I'm frustrated and want to be alone, shine the light of Jesus and don't neglect the joy I've been so graciously given. 
• He uses the crappiest and most broken of backgrounds to bring Himself glory and to help others in their suffering- 2 Corinthians 1:4-6 says: "He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we might be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so our comfort overflows through Christ. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation..." I got the chance to share my testimony multiple times throughout the summer, including in front of the entire camp one Sunday. As God spoke through my own brokenness and sufferings, I could see Him moving through hearts on people's faces. I had the chance to spend quite a bit of time with one senior, Lexi, who has pretty much the exact same testimony as mine, and it was so cool to see God using that brokenness to help bring relief and comfort to her. He's not glorified in our perfections (as though we have any), but He is seen most vividly where we are poor in spirit and broken in heart.
• I am such an introvert that it might be ridiculous- I'm an introvert, you might not think so, but indeed I am. I thrive off solitude and when I don't get as much solitude as I think I need, it affects my mood. I get frustrated and I get irritable. And how much solitude do you think you get watching 10 girls 24/7 for two months? Basically zilch. It was quite the transition and challenge. The only possibility of solitude and spending time with Papa was before I woke my girls up at 7:50am, which meant getting up at 6am on zero to little sleep. God taught me quite a few things through this. One, how to be still and alone with Him in my heart even when I'm surrounded by people and everything is go go go. Two, how to make my day almost like one long quiet time. Three, and probably the biggest lesson of this, is that He made me realize how COMFORTABLE I was in my solitude and how easy it is to be able to make Him a priority when I'm comfortable. But what about when I'm UNCOMFORTABLE? When I don't have that perfect amount of solitude? Basically, I learned how to seek hard after Him and how to make Him a priority when I'm not in the most ideal or comfortable situations.
• Speaking of priorities- Papa sure taught me a lot about how to make Him a priority. It was always a battle of pleasing myself vs pleasing Him, loving myself vs loving Him, and focusing on myself vs focusing on Him. There were many many many mornings where my alarm would go off at 6am (when I would do my quiet time) and every last bit of me would want to roll over and have that one more hour of sleep. God, however, would then just start repeating, "Whom will you choose to serve this day?" (Joshua 24) over and over again until I got out of bed. It took awhile, but He truly taught me how to make Him a priority above anything and everything, including sleep. And last, but not least...
• More than likely I will not see the fruit of my labor-I saw these girls for only two weeks out of the year and could potentially never see them again. No matter what I say or do it could be in those other 50 weeks out of the year where God changes their hearts and transforms their lives; that's a lot more time to work than two weeks. More than likely I will not see immediate results. On the days where I felt like nothing I said or did was penetrating their hearts and minds, I had to remember that not only was it God that does the changing, but also that God values my obedience over results. He is pleased when I am faithful in what He has assigned me to do, regardless if it appears that the girls are or are not taking it to heart. 

Overall, camp was fantastic. It was hard, but for very good reasons. I'm missing camp and my camp family a whole lot, but I'm very thankful that God placed me there this summer. He knows what He's doing, even if I don't.